and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
