Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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