So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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