k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
