I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
