I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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