Define "chronic" masturbator.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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