A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
You left your phone here
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