i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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