I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
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I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
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you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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