so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
