Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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