God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
