if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
