My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
