Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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