if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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