It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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