Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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