all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
