wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
