Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
he puts the penis in happiness.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
