John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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