Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
