my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
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I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
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I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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