Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
