That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
