mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
