i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
