well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
