how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
