I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
