Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
