the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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