My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
