Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
