I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
