She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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