he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
