yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
