Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
