Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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