Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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