They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
