I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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