She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
