Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
