apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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