I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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