I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
