R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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