K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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