i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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