im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
