Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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