now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
