I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
