it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
