I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
