I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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