he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
